Infertility Journey

Trigger warning: mentions pregnancy loss/miscarriage, bleeding, D&C, SCH, secondary infertility, living children

In all the infertility groups that I’ve joined (miscarriage support, infertility, my actual fertility clinic’s page, subchorionic hemorrhage, etc), almost every post begins this exact way. We must announce sensitive topics in case it’s a trigger for someone who wishes to skip certain posts. I get it. If I’m being honest, whenever we suffer a loss or struggle to conceive, my trigger is seeing pregnancy announcements. I’m getting better with this, but back in 2022, after actively trying for 15+ months to conceive with nothing happening (not even a miscarriage), I was really in a bad place. While I was happy for those who were having babies, I was also bitter and angry and asking WHY CAN’T THAT BE US AGAIN?

We struggle with secondary infertility. This is completely unexplainable for us, meaning we’ve done all the testing and everything always comes back normal. The ‘secondary’ part simply means that we’ve conceived and given birth successfully in the past, but for whatever reason, now we can’t, or we struggle to. I’ve had a lot of guilt over wanting more children because God has blessed us with now 2 beautiful boys. Many couples, including some close friends, haven’t been able to have children at all, or they had to go the IVF route to do so. So, it’s been a real challenge navigating how to desire more children while worrying that I sound ungrateful for what God has already given me. I know it is still okay to hurt and grieve the children we’ve lost, even while I have my sweet boys here. I’m very grateful for them and love them so much… that is why I desire to have more children.

Our first loss was in 2019. Baby seemed fine and the heartbeat was there on that Sunday while we sat for hours in triage due to bleeding. The very next day, baby was gone and the pain (both physical and emotional) was unbearable at times. We conceived Brody shortly after that and had a successful pregnancy – praise the Lord! The second loss came after Brody was born… on Thanksgiving Day 2020. The baby passed while we were at my grandparents for Thanksgiving lunch. Then, as mentioned before, nothing else happened for close to a year and a half. Finally, we went to a fertility clinic to try to get some answers. Part of the initial testing that I had to do was an HSG, a procedure that flushed my fallopian tubes and checked for blockages/infections. Thankfully nothing was found, and while the procedure itself made me so self-conscious and was invasive, we believe it cleared out left over scar tissue from my past miscarriages. We conceived Marshall right after, and in 2023 I quickly had our second rainbow baby. Since his birth, we’ve had 2 more losses. The first was a pregnancy with slow-rising HCG levels and was problematic from the start. We were left waiting for weeks to see if it would be viable, an ectopic pregnancy, a blighted ovum, or even a molar pregnancy. ‘Molar’ was brought up because after 2 separate ultrasounds, many cysts were found in my uterus. I was advised to have an emergency D&C to go in and clear out the cells. They would then be tested by the pathology department. Thankfully no molar pregnancy was found, but that meant the cysts were essentially our baby that had burst into hundreds of pieces. Most recently, our newest loss started out great, except for a small subchorionic hemorrhage (SCH) which can be common and cause some spotting (I did have some). Baby had a strong heartbeat, and a follow up ultrasound was scheduled a few weeks later. I’d been praying that we’d see the SCH had resolved itself… instead, we discovered no heartbeat and the growth had stopped the week prior. All losses are hard, but our first and last have been the toughest for me due to seeing a heartbeat and knowing our baby is fighting inside my womb.

As I prepare to have my second D&C surgery in 2 months due to separate losses, I am once again struggling to understand why this happens to us and what is wrong. The doctors tell us we just may never know the “why” and eventually I know I’ll have to accept that. God is using this part of our lives for something, though I’m not sure what (maybe to share with others so they know they are not alone). As I lie awake at night crying, I’m reminded of the many times we’ve sat (or most recently, just me alone have sat) in the corner room at May Grant surrounded by ultrasound rooms. This is the room where the window is blocked off so no one can look in and see you sobbing while you wait for the doctor to come in and tell you what you already know. The one difference this time though, is the doctor I’ve been working with. There are so many providers at a large office like May Grant, all of which have been wonderful, but it’s hard to make a connection with anyone when you only see them once. I’ve advocated for myself and have requested numerous appointments/phone calls with Dr. Stenman and he has truly helped us during this journey. Ironically, he was also the provider we saw at triage when I had the very first miscarriage in 2019. He can be ‘awkward’ to talk to at first as he is quiet/super intelligent, but his caring demeanor has made all the difference. He has called in the evening to discuss results, called during his busy daytime schedule, and even called/messaged on days when he is in surgery. We hope to work with him again in the future when/if the Lord allows us to have more babies.

If you are struggling with infertility, please know that while I do not have any answers for you, I can assure you that God has a plan for your life. It is so difficult to believe that at times, I know… especially when our plan does not align with His. We trust Him and will not give up hope that our dreams of a large family can become a reality one day. For now, we are focusing more on becoming the best spouses and parents that we can be. Also, a side note – age 3 is SO HARD. But we will get through it and cherish each moment, even the ‘bad’ ones.

I wanted to end this with my favorite verse. God is deliberately showing me how much this verse is true in my life right now.